Unsolved Mysteries

Ah, the universe is replete with the strange, the eldritch, the uncanny - oddities that could not have been foreseen by even that most visionary of seers, Criswell. (Though as one who once worked in Chicago’s “Boystown”, I must admit that Criswell’s prediction that a “series of homosexual cities, small, compact, carefully planned areas, will soon be blatantly advertised and exist from coast to coast” has come darned close to fruition.)

As the prophet said, “We must get used to the future, my friends, for that is where you and I will spend the rest of our lives.” Still, nagging questions about this mysterious world we inhabit remain. Why are Japanese teenagers dressing up in Victorian baby-doll slut garb that would give Lewis Carroll wet dreams? Why do models in ads always look better than us? And if I name an award after myself, can I give it to myself?

But the greatest mysteries involve my favorite mystery religion, Christianity. For instance, why does the pope resemble yet another autocrat holding down a populace with the dead hand of tradition, namely Dr. Who’s arch nemesis Davros? While I understand the outpouring of sympathy for his Holiness and his declining health, let’s not lose sight of the Pontiff’s staggering hypocrisy concerning human sexuality.

Skirting the controversial shit storm that is abortion, consider the Church’s stance on simple birth control. According to the dried up old celibate which is his Eminence, couples using artificial forms of birth control are guilty of the "falsification of the inner truth of conjugal love." Forgetting that Catholicism is gaining the most ground by developing nations beset with poverty, where sane family planning policy would relieve a world of suffering, these pearls of wisdom come from a man who has consistently turned a blind eye to forcible rape. Slipping a Johnny on your willy is an abomination. The idea of priests marrying is unthinkable. But authority figures fucking kids is tacitly condoned.

Don’t question it. God moves in mysterious ways and papal authority is infallible. So just accept it.

(CARDINAL GAMBINO AND CARDINAL BOYARDEE ARE STANDING, GAMBINO LEAFS THROUGH A BIBLE. CARDINAL ZAMBONI ENTERS.)

ZAMBONI: AH, CARDINAL GAMBINO, CARDINAL BOYARDEE. I WISH THAT WE WERE MEETING UNDER HAPPIER CIRCUMSTANCES. SO HIS HOLINESS, POPE JOHN PAUL, HAS GATHERED THE COLLEGE OF CARDINALS TO DETERMINE HIS SUCESSOR. CARDINAL GAMBINO, DOES THE GOOD BOOK TELL YOU ANYTHING?

GAMBINO: YES IT DOES, CARDINAL ZAMBONI…

(CARDINAL GAMBINO CLOSES THE BIBLE AND WHACKS CARDINAL ZAMBONI WITH IT.)

GAMBINO: IT SAYS I SHOULD BITCH-SLAP YOU FOR BEING SUCH A SUCK UP! YOU WANT THE JOB OF POPE SO BAD, IF HIS EMINENCE SHOULD PASS ON, GOD FORBID, YOU’LL BE SQUATTIN’ ON HIS TOILET WHILE THE SEAT’S STILL WARM.

ZAMBONI: I JUST MADE A FEW SUGGESTIONS…

BOYARDEE: THAT’S WHAT YOU CALL THEM? SUGGESTIONS? WE SHOULD MARKET HYGIENCE PRODUCT’S WITH HIS EMINENCE’S PICTURE ON THE PACKAGE?

ZAMBONI: YEAH, POPE ON A ROPE SOAP! CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO HIS HOLINESS…

BOYARDEE: AND YOU WANT TO REPLACE THE IMAGE OF OUR LORD ON THE SHROUD OF TURIN WITH A HOLOGRAPHIC PICTURE OF POPE JOHN PAUL?

ZAMBONI: YEAH, SO WHEN YOU SHAKE OUT THE DUST, THE POPE WILL WAVE AT YOU… SO SUE ME, IF I WANNA UPGRADE THE HOLY RELICS. THEY’RE SO OLD FASHIONED! THEY SUCK!

(CARDINAL GAMBINO SLAPS CARDINAL ZAMBONI.)

GAMBINO: DON’T YOU BLASPHEME!

ZAMBONI: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, THAT HURTS!

(CARDINAL GAMBINO SLAPS CARDINAL ZAMBONI AGAIN.)

GAMBINO: DON’T YOU BLASPHEME, MOTHERFUCKER!

BOYARDEE: CARDINALS, PLEASE…ZAMBONI, IF YOU WANT TO BE POPE, YOU HAVE TO DO IT THE PROPER WAY, UPHOLDING TIME HONORED CATHOLIC TRADITIONS

(MUSIC STARTS: DEVO’S “WHIP IT”. CARDINALS DO HERKY JERKY NEW WAVE DANCE.)

Zip your lip
Keep your zipper zipped
Have hot sex
The Pope give you a hex

He’s as old as ancient Rome
He’s the Pontiff
Says no birth control at home
If you’re Cath’lic
And your sinful urge is wrong
You must zip it

Big guilt trip
Don’t be a chump
Nuns order
Watch you jump
Priests grab you
Hump your rump
Priests don’t worry
‘Bout no jury
We’re Cath’lic
We zip our lips

So are priests are too well hung
Out they whip it
Slip an altar boy the tongue
Yeah, they slip it
If parents get unstrung
Tell them zip it

I say zip it
Zip your lip!
 
¶ 10/2/2003 :: E-mail Pat