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The Erotic Diary of Martha Stewart

The first spark of realization came last night, as I lay in my four-post antique bed next to a total stranger named Claude, atop my pastel blue down comforter, protected from the ravages of our bodily fluids by an attractive denim coverlet. The antique ceiling fan with brass fittings efficiently dried the sweat from our bodies; spot-cleaning was done with a discreetly concealed cannister of baby-wipes in the top drawer of the bedside table. Exhausted, Claude slept deeply and heavily, making it very difficult to move his limbs into an aesthetically pleasing arrangement. His proud manhood leaned decidedly and unfortunately to the left, ruining the symmetry of his repose. I solved this problem by covering it with an understated terracotta penis cozy.

Despite Claude's satisfactory performance, which resulted in the timely dispatch of three orgasms, I felt somehow empty. It was as if my soul were an austere living room adorned with stark primary colors and filled with furniture from IKEA. I must seek out something new, something more deeply satisfying, something that fills my heart with the scent of rose petal potpourri and a soft light akin to that provided by a frosted 40-watt bulb.

I must begin a quest for the ultimate erotic experience. No doubt, the key to success will be to approach this project with methodical forethought and a relentless intellect. I will draw on all the formidable skills at my disposal, and I will not rest until I have uncovered the height of sexual experience — uncovered it, mapped its parameters, experimented with variations on it, developed detailed instructions for replicating it, learned the best techniques for cleaning up after it, catalogued it on an index card, and placed that index card in a small cardboard recipe box decorated with a spritely and impertinent floral pattern.

It's a good thing!

posted 2:44 PM

Wednesday, May 23, 2001

Having set out on my quest for the ultimate erotic experience, I intuitively understood that the only way I could achieve my goal of rampant, orgasmic unrestrained carnal bliss would be by adhering to a precise timetable that laid out my objectives and deadlines in an aesthetically pleasing but easy-to-read manner.

In order to illustrate the schedule, I went up into the attic to retrieve my ex-husband's substantial collection of hard-core porn magazines. They were kept in a simple wicker magazine rack which I had made by unweaving my daughter's Easter baskets for 10 years in a row. I then rewove them into a more functional form. A coat of clear varnish finished the job, making for a lovely faux antique veneer that is sure to be a lively conversation piece in any attic.

Reviewing the contents of the magazines, I determined that I would organize my schedule according to sexual activity or fetish, with subcategories sorted by the bodily orifice(s) in use. Using an Xacto blade, I carefully cut out 2- by 3-inch rectangles of pictures that seemed to be likely candidates, daubing any sticky pages I encountered using a sponge dampened by a mild ethyl alcohol solution.

I was distressed to see that many of the activities depicted showed participants in situations of questionable hygiene. However, a little forethought goes a long way toward avoiding messes, and I was not deterred. Using a simple glue stick, I affixed the pictures to a large piece of cardboard recycled from a packing crate. I had already tinted the cardboard to a soft lilac shade using purple food coloring diluted by five parts water. Once the pictures were placed in the proper order and attractively arranged, I misted the whole surface lightly with water and sparingly sprinkled it with colorful glitter. When that dried, I sprayed it again with an aeorsol fixative, ensuring that no messy bits of glitter would fall to the carpet.

Once the pictures had been cut out, the whole project was finished in about 45 minutes. To smooth over those rough cardboard edges, the whole project was placed in a gold-toned plastic poster frame, trimmed to size at the local hardware store. Self-adhesive suction cups attached to the back provided the perfect way to mount the display.

Admiring the schedule where it hung on the wall of my sewing room, I saw that I have a big weekend ahead of me!

I can't believe how well my erotic adventure is going! I feel I am already realizing the senusal woman within!
posted 10:32 AM

Don't you just hate that latex taste that remains after a condom has been discarded? I sure do, especially when you use the kind covered in spermicidal lubricant. But you don't have to settle for a rubbery aftertaste. All it takes is a little preparation.

I whipped up this little plan as I prepared to launch my erotic adventure. With next weekend already fast approaching, I wanted to be sure all the arrangements were perfect for my date with carnality.

Here's a quick and easy way to make the art of oral loving a tastier experience. Pick up a 12-pack of condoms at your local pharmacy. At the corner grocer, pick up a dozen fresh cucumbers, some rice wine vinegar, a small container of Dijon mustard, salt and pepper, whole rosemary leaves and several green onions.

The size of the cucumber should be roughly equivalent to that of your lover's organ. (If necessary, a fresh pickle may be substituted, although the flavor will suffer.) Lightly grate the exterior of the cucumbers — not enough to completely penetrate the rind, but enough to remove most of the the waxy dark green skin. Reserve the cucumbers in a glass bowl while you prepare the dressing.

Mix a half cup of the vinegar with one teaspoon of mustard, half a teaspoon of salt, a quarter teaspoon of pepper, a quarter teaspoon of dried rosemary and half a cup of the green onions. If you wish, you can substitute your own vinaigrette recipe for this one, but be sure to leave out any extra vegetable oil since it will break down the integrity of the latex. Boil the mixture until it is reduced by about half. Remove from heat and allow to cool to room temperature.

Next, you will want to remove the condoms from their wrappers and apply them to the lightly grated cucumbers. Return the cucumbers to the glass bowl and pour the now-cool vinaigrette over them. Cover and chill in the refrigeration overnight. The next morning, remove the mixture from the refrigerator and allow it to warm to room temperature. I like to have a nice cup of orange pekoe tea out on the patio while I'm waiting. Once the mixture has warmed up, which usually takes about an hour, remove the condoms from the cucumbers, being careful to roll them up rather than slide them off. Reserve the vinaigrette.

Once they have been rolled back into their original, compact shape, they need to be stored. If you're like me, you've probably been wondering what to do with those colorful foil wrappers left over from the Cadbury crème eggs you shared with the family at Easter. Well, it's a good thing you saved them! If you unwrapped the eggs without ripping the foil, as I am sure you did, then you have the perfect bit of flair to make your tasty condoms complete!

You will need two egg foils for each condom. Not a problem if your family loves them as much as mine does! Shape the foil small round trays using a circular piece of cardboard cut to size, perhaps from one of those handy sheets that come in the underwear packaging. Place the condom inside one of the trays. Pour a little of the dressing into the container in order to keep the condom fresh and moist, then slip another piece of foil securely over the top to seal the freshness in! Repeat the procedure until all the condoms have been packaged.

You can dice the cucumbers and puree them with any remaining dressing to make a zesty salad topper that only tastes a little bit like latex. As for the condoms, keep them refrigerated until the day of your rendezvous but be sure to let them sit out for a while in the afternoon, or else your lover will be in for a chilly surprise! Then just sit back and wait for the accolades when he realizes that after intercourse, his manhood has the pleasant bite of a fresh garden salad! Not only that, but the vinaigrette is actually a mild spermicide as well!

This sort of preparation is especially important when planning a ménage a trois. After all, who wants to taste somebody else's latex residue? And a ménage a trois is exactly what I am planning. Won't Claude be surprised! It will be a good thing indeed!

Wednesday, June 13, 2001

Sex is a sacred experience, and everyone knows sacred experiences are best enjoyed in a respectful silence. So the first task at hand is to minimize those distracting noises that can quickly turn sensual bliss into a raucous romp.

Don't you hate it when the headboard bangs against the wall during your act of intercourse? Fortunately, there is an easy way to eliminate this noise, by adding rubber bumpers to the back of the headboard.

Of course, you don't want to go out and buy expensive foam rubber at the store. But fortunately, the erotic adventuress has many options. Instead of junking those bald tires from your car, why not recycle them into bumpers? You can heat a butter knife over a kitchen burner or any open flame, then use an oven mitt to easily carve bumpers from that old tire. Even better, you can cut out beveled rectangular bumpers by heated empty Altoids tins, pressing them firmly into the old tire, then peeling back the pads. Affix the pads to the back of the headboard using some homemade spirit gum (a staple at the Stewart house!), and voila! No more clatter!

But there are many other noises in the bedroom which simply must be muted in order to properly enjoy the experience.

Although I scrupulously maintain total silence throughout the sexual act, others may not be so considerate. Nothing squelches sexual ardor like repetitive moans and outcries. Try offsetting these distractions with some white noise!

With an old aquarium pump, some stones collected from the beach and a large pot, it's easy to create a recirculating water water fountain that will fill the room with a pleasant, indistinct burble. By using a clay pot, the resonance will be strong enough to make an undisciplined cry of ecstasy into a civil murmur of approval. This technique is also effective for covering those stray noises that can occur during oral sex.

Even all these precautions can fall short when intercourse itself produces those extremely embarrassing bodily sounds. Lubrication of your moving parts only aggravates such terrible noises. Instead, try lightly dusting yourself and your lover with baby powder before beginning coital (or anal) intercourse. Smooth, dry bellies eliminate the risk of that terrible moment when a mortifyingly flatulent sound issues from place where your bodies meet. You can also enhance this preparation by maintaining rigorous climate control in the room. A cool temperature and low humidity will reduce sweat, minimizing such noises while simultaneously simplifying cleanup and reducing bodily scents!

Monday, October 29, 2001

As summer turns to fall, the season for outdoor sex is rapidly leaving us. But the industrious erotic adventurer can still get a few good weeks of nature loving, just by making a few simple preparations.

A simple pair of long johns can be transformed into a sexual enabler with some quick and easy adaptations. I like to use a comfortable old pair of L.L. Bean thermal underwear. They're warm and comfy, but not scratchy at all. With a stitch-ripper, it's easy to open up the crotch on the long johns for easy access when worn under a skirt in the great outdoors. But why stop there?

It gets cold outside, so I enjoy having the option to close the crotch up when your vagina is not in use. For easy closure, salvage the velcro from an old pair of sneakers that your child has grown out of. That stitch-ripper will come in handy as you carefully remove the velcro from the sneaker straps, and re-apply it to the long johns. Presto! You have a warm love-box!

Of course, there are some people who might find a pair of long johns to be, well, unsexy. I suggest dying them red and making a pair of bloomers to die for! It's quick and easy to do! I collect several buckets of wildberries, crush them under my feet in my daughter's old plastic splashing pool, drain off the juices into an attractive ceramic basin, strain them through a fine mesh (I made my own by recycling old screen doors), reduce the juice into a concentrate over low heat for about six hours, add fresh tap water to the concentate, soak in a tub for four more hours, rinse on cold in the washing machine, air dry, and before you know it, your long johns have been all tarted up!

There's nothing more distressing than leaving your bodily fluids sloppily spread over the splendors of nature, of course, so I like to use a drop-cloth recycled from an old shower curtain. Soak it in bleach for three hours to strip out the old color and kill any pesky funguses, then use your remaining wildberry dye to streak with artistic flair. If you aren't artistically inclined, try using spritely adult stencils to festoon the drop with beautiful and erotic patterns! It's a good thing!
posted 12:04 PM

Monday, August 27, 2001

The other night, I was thinking about a new index card-based filing system to organize all the different kinds of tape I keep in my utility closet. Naturally, this train of thought led me into a state of blissful arousal, but as I was preparing to pleasure myself, I ran into a pesky problem: My favorite vibrating facsimile of the male organ had slipped to the back of the nightstand drawer. Ladies, don't you hate it when the mood gets broken by the intrusion of disorder? I know I do.

One way to avoid such frustrating disruptions is by reorganizing your dildo collection. There are many ways to keep your dildoes at hand without sacrificing your sense of style. An antique cherrywood wine rack will do nicely, but only if your collection tends toward the larger implements. If you prefer to keep a variety of sizes and styles on hand, an old champagne caddy will showcase your special friends with both style and utility. Never grope for a dildo again! And if you don't have the right container already on hand, consider a lovely sterling silver dildo caddy from martha@nabobs.net (right)! It's a good thing!
posted 7:37 PM

Tuesday, July 31, 2001

I was going to arrange my exciting ménage a trois for this weekend, but when I checked my calendar, I saw was already scheduled to entertain my monthly visitor. Ladies, you know how messy and demoralizing that special time can be. And it's only made worse by the bland white accessories that are available at most drugstores.

That's why I am reaching out to women everywhere with by designing a new line of tastefully appointed feminine hygiene products, which can be seen on this page for the first time. Why add to the indignities of monthly flow, when instead you can celebrate with beautiful and festive accoutrements? It's a good — and absorbent — thing!
posted 4:04 PM

Sunday, July 01, 2001

In a ménage a trois, as with maple bourbon pecan pie, the ingredients are very important. Adding a partner to your erotic venue can be like adding a chorizo to a pipérade, a tasty and exhilarating new flavor to your adventure. But if it goes wrong, it can be as if the shallots in your herbed fromage blanc have not been minced finely enough, a disaster.

There are many qualities to keep in mind when seeking that special third person. For my erotic adventure with Claude, I set out with a determination to find the perfect addition to our silky crème brûlée. I knew instinctively that I must seek out someone who could keep up with my own vibrant and lively sensuality. A challenge to be sure, but I savored it like a caramelized apple galette!

I created a scoring system based on the qualities I felt certain Claude would cherish in a third person: Trimness, superior grooming, ensemble color coordination, knowledge of fine cuisine, modesty, liberal arts education, a flair for accessorizing, cleanliness, etiquette, and, of course, grammar and elocution. I decided to narrow the field for this initial adventure to my fellow women, in order to minimize any potential stains that might result from far-flung ejaculate. Men have their good qualities, but they are a messy lot!

To tally the scores, I used a homemade erotic abacus. It's a quick and sexy way to take care of your numbers while bringing an elegant, faux antique touch to any home. I wired the grid over an old picture frame and made the counting beads by recycling used Ben Wa balls. A tungsten-tipped drill bit makes short work of transforming these sensual aids into beautiful beads, but don't forget to wear your safety goggles!

With these vital preparations safely completed, I sat down with my address book and began calculating scores for our potential partner. On my initial run, my personal valet Christine rang in with a high score, but everyone knows that sexual adventures are wasted on the young, so I crossed her off the list. Her youthful exuberance and buxom figure might be have the zest of malt vinegar on french fries, but I have no doubt that for Claude's discerning palate, the mellow oak of a well-aged wine is a necessary element. With that in mind, I continued down the list, eliminating Brandy, my personal shopper; Sabrina, my personal pedicurist; Amber, my personal secretary; and Trisha, my personal masseuse.

Then, at last, a direct hit! Ruth is a dear friend who runs a little produce shop in the city, which I have frequented for nearly 20 years, routinely stocking up on such vegetable delicacies as adzuki beans, kohlrabi, tomatilloes and Japanese bunching onions. Claude will love her! Her beautiful brown hair is very straight, and her radiant face is always scrubbed clean. Her posture is excellent, and her eyes are a rich brown color beneath her glasses. Her demure wardrobe highlights her figure with a variety of lovely floral frocks, which are really quite slimming! And surely someone who hand-cultivates verdolaga and bok choy is no stranger to the adventuresome life!

I am so excited! My eroticism really knows no bounds, and it's a good thing! I am off to consult the calendar — it's time to set a date for my safari into the land of wild love!
posted 8:59 PM

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